Karma Coma, doing it in Roma (pre - Euro)
1. Wake 7.30, open doors to balcony, check the sky.... still blue.
2. Quick shower, throw on Armani, grab crash helmet... step out into still blue.
3. Cappuccino, cornetto in bar downstairs (not the icecream kind but the sugary croissant type), quick glance at papers, pretend to read Italian.
4. Dig out loose Lire (pronounced leer-ray) by the thousands and pay owner of said establishment, remembering to take receipt just in case the tax inspectors decide to raid that morning to test that everyone is keeping them employed with excess bureaucracy.
5. Exit and jump in nearest steamy pile, kindly left by the community’s four legged all-night poo delivery service, probably more bureaucracy involved in order to keep the cities population of dogs and their owners suitably employed.
6. Spend next four gagging minutes scraping shoes on curb and using discarded lollipop stick, notice all dog owners suddenly crossing to opposite side of street.
7. On scooter and buzz off down the street easing myself into the erratic flow of the smoking kamikaze mobile-phone-holding Emerson Fitipaldis. Sky still blue but with a tobacco filter kinda haze.
8. See fur clad woman with squatting dog, resist hit ‘n’ run just in case extra mess gets on Armani.
9. Try not to think of accidents involving drivers (see 7) who forget that there IS another world OUTSIDE of their mobile fishbowl and that scooter riders are soft and squishy. On average I see one a fortnight, accidents that is...ones involving two wheels and squishy bits.
10. Swear a lot at state of road with holes that fit both wheels in. Ride in to, and then out of. Mental note to remind old history teacher that the Romans aren't the worlds best road builders, and perhaps Rome WAS 'built' in a day.
11. Regularly toot the horn at regular intervals at the regular cars which regularly pull out in front of you. Swear a lot...regularly.
12. Arrive at office, remove helmet and check Italian quiff in scooter mirror or in mirrored windows of office building. Run wet finger over eyebrows. Feeling good.
13. Smile at 1st receptionist, and pretend she smiled back. Walk on up to first floor and my workplace, trip in through door. Take off shades.
14. Smile at 2nd receptionist, ask if she had a good weekend.
15. Lean over desk so she can give me a big smacker square on the lips before she says, "si grazie eet was wanderfool, are you camming again tonight?"
16. Realise I'm only day dreaming again and that she's looking a little nervous. She asks whether I had heard that she's getting married this July, or maybe even next week. Note that today is in fact only February.
17. It's 9am and in before everyone else, turn on computers and head for caffè machine. Six sugars (no choice). Black.
18. 10am, everyone in so I stop doing my emails and look not so busy so that everyone doesn’t think I’m brown-nosing and making them look like they are doing even less than they actually are. Which is hard.
19. 1pm lunch. Grab book of luncheon vouchers and head for restaurant with a few colleagues who continue to like me even though the bosses do too. Stroll past swimming pools to find tables in sun. Eat... Drink... Chat... Wipe off tomato sauce from chin after getting the 'you’ve blown it' smirk from the coolest most beautiful woman I've ever seen.
20. Check sky, still blue but sun is now hot and I'm thinking of the beach.
21. Start feeling tired so back to bar for caffè, double espresso, no sugar. Spot sexy waitress with spray-on uniform. Spill caffè down my lap, or on shirt or in similar obvious and therefore 'he must be English', sort of place.
22. 3 ish. Back to looking busy followed by caffè break and six more sugars. Try to find out why I haven't been paid again. Make note to try again tomorrow, and every day for the rest of the week.
23. Arrange to meet group after work in one of many piazzas with one of many fountains crawling with many cool teenagers, looking cool. Even cooler now I’VE arrived.
24. Get lost in one way ‘system’ and turn up late.
25. Beer and pizza and beer. Remember that girls from work have boyfriends.
26. Decide to go for spin on aforementioned transport along the cobbled streets of the old part of the city. Remember to find chiropractor and buy shock-absorbing haemorrhoid protection device.
27. And a louder f#!%kin horn! Just saw another scooter get it, this time from a woman looking at her knees, probably shouting into her mobile that she just dropped whilst trying to light a cigarette without spilling the ice-cream on yapping lap-dog. Which is still yapping at the guy now peeling himself from between the cobbles.
28. Notice my fuel is on the 'vapours only' part of the gauge. Only place I can find uses self-service machine, minimum value is twice as much as one can get into a scooter.
29. Arrive home safe and sound. Stop gripping teeth, let tension out of neck and shoulders.
30. Padlock wheels to lamp-post making sure chain is well off floor to avoid all-night leg-cocking patrol and so prevent need for trip to hospital after forgetting to wash hands before handling breakfast.
31. Notice that some other unfortunates have slipped on same dog parcel so that now I'm using a well practised childhood skill, learnt from hopscotch, to get to my front door.
32. Greeted by friendly but very forgetful chain-smoking landlady who is surprised (yet again) that I am staying there. Show her the entries in her diary,… again.
33. Shower and then remove Armani, hang up for morning to drip dry and therefore avoid ironing with triangular object that gets hot after plugging the frayed flex into one of three different kinds of electricity sockets and leaves white powder on all garments needed in a hurry.
34. Curl up with good book, well any book that I can find in English.
35. Get as far as Aardvark, put in ear plugs.
36. Wait for the neighbours to stop shouting at each other over their TV which they don’t watch but is at full volume.
37. On balcony, check sky. Not a cloud, but who knows maybe it will rain tomorrow. Nah. Close patio doors.
38. 1am Repeat 36 and 37
39. Bang on wall
40. Repeat 36
41. zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz
42. No not sleep but mosquitoes out for their evening serenade and piss-up, they’ve heard about a good vintage imported from England.
43. Drink bottle of Umbrian red to lower blood pressure and aid eventual sleep.
44. Alarm goes off 7.15am, wake up and, once in cold shower, realise it's Saturday.
2. Quick shower, throw on Armani, grab crash helmet... step out into still blue.
3. Cappuccino, cornetto in bar downstairs (not the icecream kind but the sugary croissant type), quick glance at papers, pretend to read Italian.
4. Dig out loose Lire (pronounced leer-ray) by the thousands and pay owner of said establishment, remembering to take receipt just in case the tax inspectors decide to raid that morning to test that everyone is keeping them employed with excess bureaucracy.
5. Exit and jump in nearest steamy pile, kindly left by the community’s four legged all-night poo delivery service, probably more bureaucracy involved in order to keep the cities population of dogs and their owners suitably employed.
6. Spend next four gagging minutes scraping shoes on curb and using discarded lollipop stick, notice all dog owners suddenly crossing to opposite side of street.
7. On scooter and buzz off down the street easing myself into the erratic flow of the smoking kamikaze mobile-phone-holding Emerson Fitipaldis. Sky still blue but with a tobacco filter kinda haze.
8. See fur clad woman with squatting dog, resist hit ‘n’ run just in case extra mess gets on Armani.
9. Try not to think of accidents involving drivers (see 7) who forget that there IS another world OUTSIDE of their mobile fishbowl and that scooter riders are soft and squishy. On average I see one a fortnight, accidents that is...ones involving two wheels and squishy bits.
10. Swear a lot at state of road with holes that fit both wheels in. Ride in to, and then out of. Mental note to remind old history teacher that the Romans aren't the worlds best road builders, and perhaps Rome WAS 'built' in a day.
11. Regularly toot the horn at regular intervals at the regular cars which regularly pull out in front of you. Swear a lot...regularly.
12. Arrive at office, remove helmet and check Italian quiff in scooter mirror or in mirrored windows of office building. Run wet finger over eyebrows. Feeling good.
13. Smile at 1st receptionist, and pretend she smiled back. Walk on up to first floor and my workplace, trip in through door. Take off shades.
14. Smile at 2nd receptionist, ask if she had a good weekend.
15. Lean over desk so she can give me a big smacker square on the lips before she says, "si grazie eet was wanderfool, are you camming again tonight?"
16. Realise I'm only day dreaming again and that she's looking a little nervous. She asks whether I had heard that she's getting married this July, or maybe even next week. Note that today is in fact only February.
17. It's 9am and in before everyone else, turn on computers and head for caffè machine. Six sugars (no choice). Black.
18. 10am, everyone in so I stop doing my emails and look not so busy so that everyone doesn’t think I’m brown-nosing and making them look like they are doing even less than they actually are. Which is hard.
19. 1pm lunch. Grab book of luncheon vouchers and head for restaurant with a few colleagues who continue to like me even though the bosses do too. Stroll past swimming pools to find tables in sun. Eat... Drink... Chat... Wipe off tomato sauce from chin after getting the 'you’ve blown it' smirk from the coolest most beautiful woman I've ever seen.
20. Check sky, still blue but sun is now hot and I'm thinking of the beach.
21. Start feeling tired so back to bar for caffè, double espresso, no sugar. Spot sexy waitress with spray-on uniform. Spill caffè down my lap, or on shirt or in similar obvious and therefore 'he must be English', sort of place.
22. 3 ish. Back to looking busy followed by caffè break and six more sugars. Try to find out why I haven't been paid again. Make note to try again tomorrow, and every day for the rest of the week.
23. Arrange to meet group after work in one of many piazzas with one of many fountains crawling with many cool teenagers, looking cool. Even cooler now I’VE arrived.
24. Get lost in one way ‘system’ and turn up late.
25. Beer and pizza and beer. Remember that girls from work have boyfriends.
26. Decide to go for spin on aforementioned transport along the cobbled streets of the old part of the city. Remember to find chiropractor and buy shock-absorbing haemorrhoid protection device.
27. And a louder f#!%kin horn! Just saw another scooter get it, this time from a woman looking at her knees, probably shouting into her mobile that she just dropped whilst trying to light a cigarette without spilling the ice-cream on yapping lap-dog. Which is still yapping at the guy now peeling himself from between the cobbles.
28. Notice my fuel is on the 'vapours only' part of the gauge. Only place I can find uses self-service machine, minimum value is twice as much as one can get into a scooter.
29. Arrive home safe and sound. Stop gripping teeth, let tension out of neck and shoulders.
30. Padlock wheels to lamp-post making sure chain is well off floor to avoid all-night leg-cocking patrol and so prevent need for trip to hospital after forgetting to wash hands before handling breakfast.
31. Notice that some other unfortunates have slipped on same dog parcel so that now I'm using a well practised childhood skill, learnt from hopscotch, to get to my front door.
32. Greeted by friendly but very forgetful chain-smoking landlady who is surprised (yet again) that I am staying there. Show her the entries in her diary,… again.
33. Shower and then remove Armani, hang up for morning to drip dry and therefore avoid ironing with triangular object that gets hot after plugging the frayed flex into one of three different kinds of electricity sockets and leaves white powder on all garments needed in a hurry.
34. Curl up with good book, well any book that I can find in English.
35. Get as far as Aardvark, put in ear plugs.
36. Wait for the neighbours to stop shouting at each other over their TV which they don’t watch but is at full volume.
37. On balcony, check sky. Not a cloud, but who knows maybe it will rain tomorrow. Nah. Close patio doors.
38. 1am Repeat 36 and 37
39. Bang on wall
40. Repeat 36
41. zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz
42. No not sleep but mosquitoes out for their evening serenade and piss-up, they’ve heard about a good vintage imported from England.
43. Drink bottle of Umbrian red to lower blood pressure and aid eventual sleep.
44. Alarm goes off 7.15am, wake up and, once in cold shower, realise it's Saturday.
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